My Own Drum

The Rage

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Hopefully, it is a well-known fact to men everywhere that women, when tired and especially HUNGRY, turn into complete monsters.

I’m talking a total personality change. From sweetheart to ball-breaker (Mr. Mo’s favourite word). From placid to raging lunatic. Kind of like the Incredible Hulk.

In other words: just another normal day being a woman.

If your woman has not had anything to eat for 6 hours and has had little or no sleep for the last few days, you will have a monster on your hands – quick, get the little lady something to eat! Preferably with sugar! Then send her to bed with a nice foot/back/shoulder massage and plenty of kisses. Let her bitch and whine and moan – it’s not the real her that’s talking or saying those horrible things.

Think of it like the movie The Exorcist: it’s not really the little girl who was saying “Let Jesus f**ck you!” It was the devil.

I think this is where the phrase “The Devil made me do it” came from: a hungry, angry woman in the grip of a murderous rage.

I have spells of this monster from time to time whenever I am hungry, tired and my patience is depleted. I cannot bring myself to be civil and laugh at some of Mr. Mo’s more inane jokes. I am unable to filter my snide comments. I cannot do anything but feel the beast gnawing on my insides and driving me absolutely bananas. But usually, I am able to just quell the fury before it gets totally out of control. It might come off as me being a bit bitchy, when in fact deep down inside I want to gouge out the eyes of anyone who wants to waste my time and basically get in the way of me and my only goal: food / sleep.

I got a new job on Monday that is physically and emotionally rewarding, but equally draining on my energy and spirits: teaching.

I am the kind of person who needs at least 8 hours of sleep a night to function. So imagine what it was like when I was sleeping only 4 hours (if that!) a night for 4 days straight. Hey man, I’m missing 16 hours of sleep here!!

On top of that, because I am so busy, I don’t even take my 30 minute lunch break. Which means that after my hurried bowl of cereal at 7:00am, I basically do not eat anything else ’til class finishes at 1:15pm. Do the math. That is over 6 frickin’ hours. 

Naturally, I feel quite irritable by then, but I am extremely good at concealing it with big smiles and friendly greetings. Inside, I am seething. I’m not mad at anyone, no. But if you are the unlucky sonofabitch who happens to say the wrong thing in front of me at the wrong time… you don’t wanna know what I might do or say!!!

One day after work, I had to make a pit stop at the supermarket to pick up some essentials (eggs, milk, bread… ok, our pantry was empty alright!). I could not face another day of coming home to an empty fridge. It’s depressing. So I mustered up the last reserves of my will and energy and dragged my sorry butt to Woolworths.

Boy, are there a lot of morons at the supermarket!

First you have a bunch of annoying kids playing chasey and running rings around you.

Then, you have people who walk slowly and block the entire aisle, or people who are walking fast but stop or turn abruptly, almost crashing into you.

Usually if someone is blocking my way in an aisle, I just smile and say “sorry, excuse me” and so on, so they will move out of the way.

This time, I still said it, but without a smile and through gritted teeth. What I was really saying in my head was “FUCKING MOVE YOUR ASS YOU WHORE!!!!” I even gave some people the ol’ hip-and-shoulder when they wouldn’t move out of my way. Just kidding. But in my head I wanted to pull them out of the way by their hair, or something like that.

Do NOT get in my way when I am hungry or tired.

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